Transfiguration - 3.25


Sadly, this is not a crossover episode with Harry Potter, though it does have a lot of the “boys and girls dating” intrigue that you might find in, say, a Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

First of all, Geordi has a crush on a LADY, which means he’s going to make a fool of himself (poor Geordi). This is the lucky girl:


This week’s challenge: create an elegant cocktail outfit using only the hue of swamp.

Considering that this could have been really awful, this girl is working it out, in a 24th Century Soda Fountain kind of way. It sort of looks like she put a more ruffly skirt over a WWII-issue army uniform for ladies. That double skirt almost looks like it could be a real fashion (Anna? [update from Anna: I believe I would classify it as “a long-ass peplum” and also I would like to have it]); anyway, if I saw this girl walking down the street, I would not say “What is wrong with you,” and I might possibly try and give her a high five. Depending on the street.

Anyway, Geordi blows his opportunity to chat her up (even though she’s asking easy questions like, “What’s up in engineering?”) and Worf makes fun of him and then he gets called for an away mission to rescue this guy:


The crotch on these pants are crash-proof

Beverly does some procedure WHICH I’M PRETTY SURE IS FAKE where she connects Geordi and this guy’s nervous systems? Anyway, spoiler alert, Geordi gets infused with this dude’s smooveness, which we’ll see later. What’s up with that guy?


If only we could all be found half-dead in such bold fabrics

Okay, this might just be because I was distracted when I originally watched it but THIS GUY IS MISSING HIS ARM. And they don’t really reference it later, when he, like, has his arm back. They talk about him regrowing some organs, but… an ARM? 

Also, why is the most medically advanced surface for him to lie on a brightly under-lit subway grate?

Beverly is burning the midnight oil to save this dude’s life, but why? 



Okay, boyfriend might be smokin’, but I’m pretty sure laying your patient out like a slab of meat with only a sparkly loincloth to give him his dignity is a violation of some sort of medical something. Also, oiling them up so they’re more reflective probably is wrong too. Probably.


All right, dude, B can totally see your d. 

I like how Bev is like, “No… I’m totally looking at my tricorder… for real…” Sure, Bev, sure. You hot slut.


This recovery room is totally lit like an 80s dance.

The real reason I included this photo, though, is to ask: they’re three-hundred years more advanced than us and still the best thing to lie on is egg crates? I mean, THEY’RE COMFORTABLE, but come on, future. 

Well, at some point they have to put him in clothes. I GUESS.


These space pajamas could use a little more space.

At least it’s a nice color, and doesn’t hang open in the back (although maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing). I mean, it looks like they bought these at Target. Or maybe Kmart. What would be a good accessory?


Space garters? I think better in concept than in execution

They’re supposed to help him walk or whatever, but I just don’t think they’d look that good being taken off with someone’s teeth.

Don’t we have anything a little more ridiculous for this guy? Oh, by the way, he doesn’t remember who he is.


Now THIS is the Star Trek I know and love

He’s like a sailor who fell into a vat of bleach. What is happening everywhere? That ribbing? The slightly off-color turtle-neckpiece? And you’re taking that outfit to a bar? What if he spills something? Well, hopefully they found him some tasteful pants…



Apparently Bev has no intention of letting this guy have any dignity anywhere on the ship. Also, in this shot and the next one, she looks pretty stoned.


If you don’t say anything, the captain won’t notice you’re high

What really concerns me, aside from Beverly’s recreational drug use, is that inseam that seems to be bisecting that dude’s nutsac. First, there’s no way that’s comfortable for anyone, including P-Stew, and second WHAT IS HAPPENING. Men have been wearing pants for, at this point, at least three hundred years LONGER than they’ve been wearing them now, and this kind of thing doesn’t happen today.

Okay, well, I’m doing the story way out of order, but let’s just plow ahead. Some smug-ass dude comes looking for the guy.


All of our best fashions are inspired by motherboards

It looks like someone wanted to screen print on leather using only the most hideous pattern (I suppose we can be glad it’s just that and not all puff-paint). Let’s get another angle.


Well, now I have no idea what’s going on

I deferred to Anna on this one to ask what one might call this and she said, “it’s like a mandarin and a shawl collar had a baby.” I barely know what that means, but I think they got the afterbirth all over everything. What’s the rest of your outfit like, spaceman?


It really just looks like a penguin with sparkly flippers is trying to give him a hug from behind. I guess I’m not opposed to that.

Well, at least the design is pointing away from his crotch, which looks like it might be a problem area for the entire species.

There’s one last little detail on the patient’s outfit that I think you are all going to agree is really special:


You might want to watch out for his triple lutz

I literally spent an hour trying to find out what these pants are called, the closest I got was “v-notch at the hem pants” but I couldn’t find another picture of them (one guy on a message board says he does this himself to his pants, and “I get a lot of ‘where did you get your slacks?’” WHERE INDEED?). I finally broke down and asked Anna what they were, and the closest she came was “Maybe like… ice skating pants…? Not a thing.” If any of you know what they are called, please let us know. Right now, though, they definitely look like something that Liberace would look at and be like, “well, let’s not go overboard.”

One last shot of this thing:



For no one’s pleasure. 

Anyway, this outfit is so gay that eventually:



Well, not really, apparently this is what “evolution” looks like. No wonder it’s hard to get religious people on board.

So side/backstory: Beverly falls in love with this guy, and there’s a scene where Wesley puts the screws to her about her “intentions.”


That is a pitcher of pepto, just saying.

Anyway, I mostly just want to show you a succession of faces:


So when space-man goes (as all who turn into beings of light must) it’s sad.


The color blocking on this outfit is a little much

That pretty much takes care of him. What happened to Geordi, you ask? Well…


Lady Edith?

Actually, everything happening to that poor girl on the left is unfortunate. School marm dress, horrible posture. But Geordi’s girl is looking right, the sleeveless dress showing off her Michelle Obama arms and her butt. The high neck-line is a little bit of a disappointment, but maybe there’s something else to keep us interested?


Ooooh girl. 

All in all, pretty good considering the whole thing comes from a single piece of cloth. What else you got?



Apparently as things get more serious between her and Geordi, her outfits get more intense in color. All right you two, disengage so we can see what she’s wearing.


The long sleeves say “wicked witch” but the gossamer collar says “you’re kinda into that, though, aren’t you?”

It’s a nice outfit, and one of the few colors that, when paired with Geordi’s engineering uniform, doesn’t make you think of fast food condiments. 

Riker, how do you feel about catching a senior officer snogging in the turbolift?


Looks like everybody’s warp core is overheating.

Way to stay classy, Riker.

So that’s mostly it, except for one part where Miles O’Brien comes in because he had a kayaking mishap on the holodeck [sic]. 


I’m pretty sure that was in the background of my 1989 school picture.

It’s okay, Miles, if there’s one person who knows what it’s like to wear something with a hideous pattern…



(Thanks to for a few of the screengrabs!)

This week’s challenge: create an elegant cocktail outfit using only the hue of swamp.

SO much win happening here.

Hey Trekkies!

The first season TNG Blu-Ray comes out tomorrow, so tonight, there are screenings in movie theaters of the remastered episodes Where No One Has Gone Before and Datalore.

Some of you may know that I wrote a humorous episode guide to the first season, called Memories of the Future, Volume One. In it, I wrote snarky synopses of the episodes (we were going through such growing pains, much of the season is unintentionally hilarious and facepalm inducing), and shared some memories from behind the scenes.

Well, today, I thought it would be fun to take the chapters I wrote for these two episodes and excerpt them into a free (as in speech and beer and no DRM) eBook. It’s available in ePub and mobi formats from my virtual bookshelf, which is linked above.

If you like it, I hope you’ll get the whole book, and maybe look at some of the other writing I have there.